I’m getting a time machine for Christmas this year. I know this because I’ve already did got it, or something. So I was able to travel back to today to write this blogpost. But not before I took a trip to December next year to witness the Argvargen Vaping Awards for 2016, which were/are/will have was be sponsored and presented by our new vaping overlords – the Medical Licensing Agency of Sweden, Läkemedelsverket.
So without further ado I’ll hand you over to Läkemedelsverket’s Vaping Expert in 2016, Imma Pööritan-Tåsser:
“Ladies, Gentlemen, and alkoloid-addled degenerates, welcome to our prestigious awards, celebrating the best in e-cigarette and vapour technology! The first category is:
Woah there, nicotine fiends! I don’t think you understand where we, the Holy Verket of Läkemedels, are coming from. There will be no building or rebuilding under our juristiction thank you very much. Who do you think we are, IKEA?
And dripping is a non-starter mmm-kay? Our good friends at the laughably self-declared “independent” think-tank Tobaccyfactoids told us that just one drop of this stuff, this devil’s-own-sperm of a liquid that you insist on vapourising, could wipe out every pine forest in Sweden, and will turn our children into ABBA-hating free-thinkers.
We will build the atomiser for you, we’ll drip the broth of Beelzebub into it and then we’ll weld it shut, before attaching it firmly to a battery and wrapping it in the kind of packaging that befits an overpriced and ineffective cure for your frankly pathetic weakness.
The best tank is our approved tank, because it is tiny. And because we med-regged it. You can’t get better than that (No really, you can’t. If it were better than that, we’d ban it). And of course it’s not rebuildable. Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said?
Best New Product
Well this is obvious. It’s the one we approve as a licensed medicine. It wins because it’s the best. And because there aren’t any others. Because we banned them. When did a banned product ever win best anything? You see? You’re starting to get the hang of our logic now. You don’t have to worry about which product is right for you, because we already know which one it is. We’ve saved you so much time, so a little gratitude wouldn’t go amiss.
Best Big Battery Device
We’ve decided to combine this category with the small and medium-sized battery categories. Because as some of you may be realising by now, we’ve banned everything except for this tiny-weeny piss-poor battery device. Isn’t it great? It’s so under-powered and ineffective we felt able to give it a medicinal license. And several awards. That’s how good it is.
Best Mech Mod
Which wag left this category in? Aren’t we the class joker? Get me a corset Göran, I think my sides are splitting with laughter.
It’s been proven that flavours, and in particular the almost infinite range of flavours available on the open market, are one of the key features behind the success of vaping for those wishing to discover an alternative to smoking lit tobacco. So we’ve put a stop to that. You can have one. Maybe two at a push. Wait….what’s that?…..Oh, Public Health Minister Gabriel Wikström just banned menthol. One it is then. Which makes it the winner by default: the winner of the best flavour to abstain from smoking lit tobacco is….<opens envelope> The Flavour of Smoking Lit Tobacco!
We think you’ll like tobacco flavour: after all, you’ve taken the decision to try an alternative to smoking lit tobacco. So we’ll help you make the switch by letting you savour something that is designed to taste exactly the same as what you’ve decided to get away from. Unfortunately our approved manufacturer has failed miserably, and what you’ll actually get is a pale imitation of the real thing, leaving you with a sense of immense disappointment, regret and longing for the familiar taste you’ve become so accustomed to over the years.
Don’t you go worrying your pretty little head about that. We’ll put it in for you, and you’ll like it. Or at least enough of you will tolerate it for us to continue to scrape through clinical trials without totally embarrassing ourselves. If you really can’t bear it, quit moaning and get some fruit-flavoured gum from GSK. Or go back to smoking, you filthy, unsocial addicts.
So that concludes the awards for 2016. We hop..hang on! Where is everyone? Where are you going? Don’t tell me you’re all smoking again. Already? Wait! Try this! I approved it myself…”
2016: the year that Swedish vapers left the building, and went back outside for a smoke.
Merry Christmas to all dedicated and advocating vapers, snusers and smokers, wherever you are. Let’s hope 2016 works out a bit better than many are expecting.